Thursday, 18 June 2015

No words

No words can describe how I am feeling right now... I have just rediscovered this blog and read the previous posts. 
I am apparently good at writing empty words.
Empty promises and bullshit about how "this time it will be different"

It's not different.  I am still enormous and I am still killing myself. 

The only thing that is different is that I have finally managed to lose some weight.  About 1 stone since November.  I have to keep telling myself this is a good thing as it is still a stone, but i cant help but be disappointed that it has taken me so long to get it off. 
I am going to slimming world every week and I intend to continue to do this for as long as it takes. 

I am feeling very depressed at the moment so I'm signed off work for a few weeks and trying to get my head sorted out. 


Monday, 27 January 2014


So my stuff has arrived - £150 odds worth... Expensive!

I begin tomorrow with a shake for breakfast followed by a thermo tea and vitamin tablet. Then a protein snack mid morning, a shake for lunch with another thermo tea and vitamin tablet. Protein snack mid afternoon and then a normal dinner with more tea and vitamins!

Wish me luck!

Sunday, 26 January 2014

New beginning... Hopefully

Over the last few weeks, my friend Laura has been telling me about the diet plan she has been following.  We'll today I have decided to give it a go!
Enough is enough.

I am a secret eater and a binge eater.

Yesterday I finished work 15 minutes early and I was excited - why? Not because it meant going home early, but because it meant I could go to McDonald's on the way home and Mum would never know.
At the time this seemed like a brilliant idea, but when I think about it now I find it absolutely absurd!  What a pathetic and stupid thing to do! I'm 24 years old - if I want a McDonald's surely as an adult I can have one? According to my brain apparently not! According to my brain it is wrong, forbidden, naughty... All those words that make it more appealing.
To add insult to injury I felt it was an accomplishment that I only ordered one meal - a regular meal not even large! What a joke.

And the worst thing about all this is I then went home, gave my mum the fruit salad I was going to have with my lunch, then ordered us a Chinese take away for dinner!!! I had just eaten a MEAL from McDonald's but I treated it like a small snack!

So today I went out and bought myself a new set of scales - note that this is because my current one has a weight limit too low for me...
I weighed myself and to be honest it has not sunk in yet. I don't think it will for a while but it needs to soon.
My weight is ridiculous.
I cant even bring myself to post it on here.
I am ashamed of myself.
I don't want to feel this way. I want to be proud of myself.

I want to buy clothes from regular shops - not just Evans!

I want to fit in a booth at a restaurant.

I want to sit in my car without my stomach touching the steering wheel.

I want to be able to stand up without getting back ache. Not even walking around - just standing up!

I am tired of carrying enough weight for 3 people around.
I have had enough.
My body has had enough.
It's time for me to do something about the way I am treating myself before my body gives up fighting and I die before I reach 30.  Because I honestly believe I won't make it to 30 if I carry on the way I am.

Here goes nothing!

Sunday, 19 January 2014

Feeling old

Today is my 24th birthday... Wow I feel old!
I genuinely don't feel like a 24 year old... That's meant to mean I'm an adult!

Friday, 17 January 2014

Special something

I just wanted to share this - a girl at work, who I haven't known very long, made me this jelly bear as an alternative birthday cake as I don't really like cake. This has really touched me and is so special!

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Random rant!

Some bugger has pinched my dairy milk off my desk and I was saving it for when I really fancied a bit of choc!!!!

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Better late than never!

Ok so posting on my lunch break didn't exactly happen, but here I am now!
I'm currently sat in the freezing cold watching my car being cleaned by two men not of English decent... I think they're eastern European - maybe polish? Considering the state of the car I wish them luck!!! 

So an update? Well I am still working at the same place doing the same job - car insurance claims. I don't enjoy it as much as I used to, but it pays the bills kind of!
I'm still single and I have to say I don't mind it at all - no hassle, no effort and best of all no one to justify myself to! Sure it would be nice to have someone but for now I'm satisfied with how things are.

Misty is starting to look old, but she's ok. I worry about losing her but for now I just need to enjoy the time I have with her.

I realise this is just a small update but it will do for now, there's not much else to say really!

So until the next time I remember this thing!